How To Tell Your Kids About Justin's Blackface
In light of this horrible, horrible, shocking disclosure that our Prime Minister once- okay three times, wore blackface, I present this story- keeping in mind as the media has been telling us over and over and over again, that this is shocking, horrific, unbelievable, misdirected, liberal,wrong and the big mother of all words- "Racist".
Well besides "Fuck" that is....
Part I
We look in on a modest two story home in a marginally liberal neighbourhood. A mother decides to sit her son down and have "the talk". No, not about penises and vaginas, about The Prime Minister's Blackface for she had read that she should have a talk with her "son". She read that in the right-wing newspaper called "the Sun" which happened to be laying on the floor in the toilet at work...
Mum: Now Howie, Mummy wants to sit you down and have a talk about Justin wearing blackface.
Howie: Okay Mummy.
Mum: Now Dear, it is not right for a man like this country's Prime Minister to colour his face with black paint and pretend to be a Sheikh or Nat King Cole.
Howie: Harry Belafonte.
Mum: What?
Howie: The Prime Minister wore paint on his face to act like Harry Belafonte and he sang The Banana Boat Song? Day-O?
Mum: He did? Oh, I love that song....anyway, he should not put paint on his face to be someone else.
Howie: Okay Mummy but do you mean like Mr. Brown down at the centre or Ronald McDonald.
Mum: Mr. whozit at the whatzit? No! Ronald McDonald is a clown!
Howie: Well, so is Mr. Scheer. I heard you tell Grandad that the other night on the phone.
Mum: You were listening?
Howie: Mum, you have an extremely LOUD voice.
Mum: Oh. Do I? Anyway, Mr. Brown?
Howie: Mr. Brown. He reads to us at the centre and sometimes he has red or green or yellow or black paint on his face.
Mum: ~Agasp~ All over his face? Maybe he wants to be a clown too.
Howie: Uh-huh.
Mum: Well, maybe's he's telling a story about people.
Howie: Oh you mean like Indians, Chinamen, Towelheads, Bog-trotters or Dagos?
Mum: Howie!! Do not use that word Indians. It's a bad, bad word. Or any of those others as well!
Howie: What should I say Mummy?
Mum: Well, Aboriginal or First Nation.
Howie: Should I put warpaint on my face?
Mum: NO! Don't put anything on your face!
Howie: Al Jolson did?
Mum: Al Jolson? How did you know about Al Jolson?
Howie I saw it in a movie on...
Mum: Television. Well that was a different time and a different place. Not Canada.
Mum: Well, yes but we can't call them that.
Howie: Are Cowboys still cowboys?
Mum: Yes.
Howie: So, I can call a cowboy a cowboy but not an Indian- Tonto?
Mum: Well, yes. I guess you can call a cowboy a cowboy but no, you can't call an Indian "Tonto" OR "Chief" for that matter.
Howie: Even if they are one? A Chief I mean.
Mum: No! Well, I mean I don't think so.... Oh nevermind, ask your teacher. The point is all that name-calling is wrong. That's what we call "Racist"!
Howie: Oh...~pause~ Is that what Mr. Celebrum is when he calls Gay People names?
Mum: No Dear, he's a homophobe.
Howie: Is it what is Mrs. Carnavole is when she calls the Lesbians rug munchers?
Mum: Whaaat? No Dear that still a homophobe.
Howie: What about when the man at the store makes fun of my friend and calls him Bisexual Berenie?
Mum: Well, that's a Biphobiant.
Howie: What about people from Mexico, are they beaners?
Mum: No! For goodness sake no. They are people just like us. Just people.
Howie: Oh, I thought they were Spics.
Mum: Howie, where did you ever hear that?
Together: On TV!
Howie: I hear faggot and nigger too. That's a Gay man and Black person- right?
Mum: Oh My Goodness!! You can't use any of those words- ever!!
He pauses...
Howie: Mum, will I still be able to paint my face green like The Hulk for Hallowe'en?
Mum: Ummmmm. Leave it with me will ya Howie. Mummy needs a drink.
Howie: Are you a drunk Mum?
Howie: Go outside and play Howie.
Part II
There is no part two. Just common sense....
