Thursday, August 20, 2015


It's time folks. Time for another little chat with the "Big Guy". The most omnipresent
presence that I know of. It's another conversation with God Almighty.

Me: Hey God, thanks for once again opening yourself up to a down home chat.

God: Why hello Rob. Anytime. You know that- even though I also know you're a card-carrying Atheist.

Me: I'm that transparent am I?

God: I am God after all and I can see through people and things. No big whup. Although I must say seeing you portray that Nun- Sister Mary Margaret, this summer I marvel at how you can allow your undefined religiosity to show and yet remain so convincing.

Me: Undefined Religiosity? That's a line from my All for Nun show. How? What?? Did? But...

God: Yes, Rob. I was at the show right in row 6. Aisle Seat. remember the day all those Caribbean Folks packed the theatre?

Me: ...yes...

God: I was there. You even placed your hand on my shoulder.

Me: I can't believe it?

God: Oh, I'm one of your biggest fans- even though you don't believe in me.

Me: Well, thanks...I guess.

God: You're welcome...I guess. ~grins~

Me: Actually I'm flattered that you took the time to come all the way down...

God: Over. Not down Rob.

Me: Over?

God: Yes I wasn't up here in Heaven, I was over at the summer place on my private planet. So it's more over than up.

Me: Cripes. I forget that you have that little vacation planet all to yourself.

God: Not quite to myself. I have a couple of dozen Angels with me to keep the place tidy and to look after me. I'm no spring chicken these days Rob.

Me: No, I guess not. Would I be too bold to ask how many years "young" you are?

God: I'm not sure. We didn't keep great records way back then at the dawn of creation and such. My Mother...

Me: Your Mother? Not the Holy Mother Mary?

God: Oh Gawd no! I mean Gertrude Ruth Natasha- my birth Mother.

Me: Gee, I had no idea. Gertrude? Really? Was she from down here?

God: No. Down there didn't exist. No big bang before I came into the world. I was the BIG BANG.

~he laughs~

Me: Gee, I never thought about your birth being the "big bang".

God: Well, to be truthful- and I am God and truth is important to me, it wasn't just my birth alone that created the "big bag". There was a whole bunch of crazy stuff going on back then- long before Stephen Harper was a glint in his mother's eye.

Me: Or Patrick Brown...

God: Oh for St. Paul's Sake! Don't get me started on that queer fellah.

Me: Queer?

God: NO! I don't mean "queer" as in Gay, I mean "queer" as in "strange". Jesus, Mary and Joe, I keep forgetting you folks have progressed so far. Still he does show signs...

Me: Signs of what?

God: No, I better not say.

Me: Is he going to win his seat?

God: Now Rob, I can't go foretelling the future like that. Goodness knows what might happen. The planets might start to leave their orbit or some people might stop being such big assholes.

Me: Wow God- Your Extremeness! You said "assholes"!!

God: Yes. That's not a swearword here. At least to me it isn't. I just call someone what they really are and if they are one- an asshole I mean, they deserve to be called one.

Me: God, why can't you just make some people not be such assholes.

God: Well Rob, the earth would be a dull place without them. Same with the Green Party. It takes all kinds as you know. are the ticket sales going for "Earnest".

Me: You know about Earnest?

God: Yes, I picked up a brochure in the OCC lobby as I was leaving your All for Nun show. Boy, the air conditioning really keeps things cool out there- doesn't it?

Me: Yes. ~pause~ OH!. I see. Yes. Yes. It does. ~chuckle~ Tickets are going slow but we have some time.

God: Well I applaud you for soldiering on. Hey Rob, I was thinking..

Me: Yes,

God: Now an Angel- Angel David,o brought this to my attention, He suggested I encourage you to write a show using me as a character.

Me: You? Geez I dunno...

God: Hey they did it on Broadway this summer and it was a hit. I think you could write a real funny play. You'd have my blessing, Rob, to do it

Me: Really?

God: Of course.

Me: Now that gives me something to think about over the winter.

God: Oh yes Rob, about your winter this year...if you thought the last two years were bad, well...

Me: No! I don't want to know.

God: Not even a hint?

Me: Nope! Look God, I gotta be running along.

God: Yes you do. You have Earnest dialogue to learn.

Me: How did you...know?

God: I'm omnipresent. I know all and see all. Oh by the way, that package of bologna in your meat bin in the fridge?

Me: Yes?

God: Toss it. It's gone off!

Me: I will and thanks God. This was terrific!

God: Same back at you. See you next time Rob. All the best.