Usually I have had the opportunity to interview God in Heaven- long distance of course, however since he's away on Summer Break- in the Canadian Rockies which is God's Country I hear, His son said he'd tackle a few questions.
Me: So Jesus Christ how are things?
Jesus: Call me Jesus Rob, I feel I know you anyway. Besides Jesus Christ sounds so formal and it sounds a lot like swearing too.
Me: Oh, yes. I see what you mean Jesus.
Jesus: Why don't we bring that down another notch Rob. Make it J-Man.
Me: Oh...all righty. J-Man it is. So being the Son of God, it must mean pretty big shoes to step into.
J-Man: Holy Smoke you better believe it. When Dad's away all the "vice" in Heaven triples.
Me: Are you telling me you have problems in Heaven just like here on earth.
J-Man: Well Rob, It's the Baptists mainly- although the Catholics like to tell everyone else what's right and wrong and that creates a Holy stink and pisses off the minority religions.
Me: I see...
J-Man: 'Course the Catholics believe they only true religion and they do keep me on a pedestal, so I go easy-peasy on them.
Me: Easy-Peasy. My, that is very open-mined of you J-Man.
J-Man: Oh cripes with the Mormons, Jehovah's and the Scientific folks, a fellah has to move with the times. It's 5774 after all. It's not 4000 anymore.
Me: Pardon your Lordship?
J-Man: Oh sorry Rob, I was using the Jewish year. They are my Dad's chosen tribe after all.
Me: So how's your Mum?
J-Man: She's terrific. Thanks for asking. She started a basket weaving class down at the Orange Hall last week. Fifty-Five born-agains and three Atheists signed up.
Me: Jesus Christ!...I mean For God's Sake...er... you have Atheists in Heaven?
J-Man: Surely we do. Everyone is welcome here. We don't discriminate in Heaven.
J-Man: Well, that's not exactly true. I mean humans are programmed to hate and despise and discriminate. Just because we plop a few wings on 10% of them and make them Angels doesn't change that fact. Sad isn't it?
Me: I'll say. So do you see your earthly Dad now and then?
J-Man: Oh, of course. Joe runs the Petro Canada station on the other side of Heaven. We get together when we can. Father and Son and Holy Ghost picnics and stuff like that.
Me: Your other Dad- the Father in Heaven, is he okay with that?
J-Man: Oh Sure. He's a pussycat. He's gotten a lot of bad press over the centuries. Like as if he could stop a war or cure someone of cancer and such. Never happened and never will. You folks on your earth make your own pie and you have to slice it and it eat. Your cake too for that matter!
Me: You say "your earth". Are you saying there are others?
J-Man: Oh sure, right under your big nose. Um...you're Jewish right Rob?
J-Man: Oh sorry.
Me: What? What is it J-Man?
J-Man: I was just going to say that is one hell of a snoz you're saddled with, eh?
Me: Is it? I though it was just normal size.
J-Man: You know what Robbie, that's the great thing about humanity. If you have faith you can believe anything and obviously you do so- no, your nose if just right- if you have faith and believe.
Me: Gee. I think my nose is fine.
J-Man: Well, that's just dandy then. Look Rob, I'm sitting here at poolside and I didn't put sunblock on this morning and you know what it's like for blonde, fair-haired, blue-eyed people in the sun. I better run and lather some on. Can't have the Heavenly Son all red and blotchy.
Me: Gee Jay- I would have thought your skin would be more olive-toned and darkly-tanned.
J-man: That's what I have always hoped for but I talked to Dad- the big Dad- and he said it's too late to change people's notions now, so I have to live with it. It's not that bad really and anyway, I have real nice legs and a pretty awesome butt, so it evens out.
Me: Um. Isn't vanity a sin?
J-Man: What???? Who said that? I didn't. Probably those same quacks who think Gay folks are sinners. Wait'll they get up here in Heaven. We set them "straight" pretty fast- if you get my Holy Drift.
Me: Actually, I don't.
J-Man: Oh well. I'll tell you then. We make them all greeters at Heavenly Wal*Marts!
Me: Hah! Hah! Good one Jesus. Listen thank you for this and I sure hope we'll talk again.
J-Man: Oh, you can count on that Rob. When it's time for you to come up here, I got a special pair of Angel wings all picked out for you.
Me: For me?
J-Man: Yes and you'll look Fabuluss in them. Gotta fly. Take care.
Me: Yes, I bet you have a million things to do.
J-Man: Not at all. I mean I got to fly. I'm taking my pilot's licence this afternoon.
Me: Oh. Right. Sure thing J-Man. Say hi to your Dads for me.
J-Man: Thy Will be Done!