I blame what you are about to read on a normal childhood. If I had of had a super normal childhood, you would probably be reading a nice little story about a beaver who built his house in a nice little pond and had many other nice beavers over for afternoon tea. Alas, this is not to be...
Princess Redcinderwhite lived in a picturesque little shanty town in the shadow of Toenail Mountain. People said she was a pretty young thing with flowing blonde hair, fair skin and buck teeth. Ed- as the townsfolk called her, had a huge pair of buhzonkas that stretched her white, cotton, tee shirt to its limit.
Most days Princess Ed would take a stroll to sit beneath her favourite tree at the base of Toenail Mountain. Most of those days as she passed by the local Tim Hortons- which the local Prince and his Cronies frequented, she would hear him call out to her-
“Hey Redcinderwhite...what fine, big boobies you have there. I’d like to get me a mouthful of both of them!”
Most days Ed would let the Prince’s comment go in one ear and out the other but on one particularly sunny day, she happened to be walking along the street with the local Priest-
Father Loveme Demalter Bois.
Father Demalter Bois was a Brazilian Priest who kept his figure lean and mean beneath his cassock by walking up and down Toenail Mountain. The exercise had paid off. Father Demalter Bois looked good!
He looked really good.
You know. Gay good!
As Ed and the Father strolled by Tim Horton’s, the Prince and his flunkies began to call out to her- as was usually the case, saying stuff like-
“Hey Ed, what fine, big, beautiful, jiggly boobies you have. How about a gander at them!”
“Gee I’d like to bury something big and stiff between ‘em!”
Ed was embarrassed at these crude comments, seeing that Father Demalter Bois was walking along beside her. She stopped in her tracks and walked towards the Prince leaving Father Love Demalter Bois standing alone on the sidewalk right in front of the Tim’s. She strode right up to the Prince and kicked him squarely in the nuts.The Prince dropped to the ground and rolled in what seemed to be tear-producing, uncomfortable pain.
“Fuck!”- he yelled!!
“Whaddah ya hafta go and do that for you crazy piece of big booby turd?”
Ed looked back at a rather embarrassed yet lean and mean Father Bois for just a second, then turned and cracked the Prince a good one in his nutsack once more. Good think she was wearing her pointy Princess Shoes. It was sure to extract more pain to the Princes ballsack than any pair of open toed sandals would have.
“Oh Gawd. That hurts!” cried the Prince in certain agony as he rolled back and forth on the ground outside Tim’s. “That really, really hurts you know Ed. Fuck You!”
“Well Fuck You too Prince! From now on maybe you’ll think twice before you make a comment about my beautiful, big boobies!”
The Prince- still rolling on the ground in terrific nutpain, managed to look up at the Princess Redcinderwhite and said-
“Too fucking right!”
Ed smiled a warm, comely, buck-toothed smile and turning back to Father Loveme Demalter Bois, grabbed his arm and continued the stroll towards Toenail Mountain their original destination.