Sunday, October 26, 2014


Hold on to your tiaras. She’s back. Here's Dame Clare Voyant.

Dame Clare Voyant
Well, My Dears, this time of year reminds me of door knockers. Ghosts, Goblins and Harper and Fordesque lookalikes scurrying about in the dark. Now Dears, you may not see all the Harper cronies sneaking around in the dark just yet but really they are only in the first stages of filling our minds with thoughts of our 150th Birthday as a nation. My Goodness, those TV adverts with Old Sir John front and centre really tug at the heartstrings- don’t they? 

2015. That’s when they’ll be knocking on our doors and ringing our chimes for real, trying to put poor little Justin in the passenger seat while they strive to drive our country forward. Well, perhaps not forward but more in a neutral gear.
I must say that My Dears.
I really must. 

Demons and zombies may be merrily ring our bells, yet in the days that follow- the latter days, the Jumpin’ Jehosaphats and Moremens will be back trick and treating us once again. Perhaps the Moremens are more pleasurable to talk too and certainly in the case of those latter boys- even though their little minds are filled to the brim with muck and mire, nicer to gaze upon. 

My Dears, I should hold mind-cleansing seminars here at the Palais Royale-just on the outskits of town. Oh, but it wouldn’t be the first time your Royal Dame has saved a soul from the clutches and claws of the demon right. A few years back two such young men came to the Palace doorstep. I was completely taken aback by their Darling little faces- barely shave-worthy, not to mention each was attired in those tight little, coal-black trousers. At first I was hoping the pair of them were selling aluminum siding, however, much to my dismay they each pulled out the Good Book of Moremon from their shoulder manbags and asked if I knew Jesus. 

“How ancient do you think I am Dears?”-I asked, “I’ve seen pictures- reasonable facsimilies at least and heard the stories but no, he hasn’t supped with me at the oak dropleaf in the South Drawing Room”.

I continued…
“For one thing Dears, I absolutely throw up when I see cheap bleached cotton and open-toed sandals- whether sockified or daringly bare. That however, is a story for another day.” 

I continued still.
“No, I have not had the opportunity to know Jesus”- I reconfirmed with the blonde and dark-haired Moremen straddling my front threshold.” 

I must say that my Dears.
I really must. 

I did what any Dame would do. I invited them in out of the cold for hot chocolate and cookies in the kitchen. One juicy topic led to another and before your Royal Dameness knew it, each of the Moremen were blubbering out loud- sobbing actually, as they told me various life stories. One even recalled a recurring dream he had of late concerning Hugh Jackman in a black Speedo or wetsuit or something to that effect. I know he kept mumbling the word “wet” through salty tears.  

Your Dame had triumphed once again. I clutched each young man to my breast and patted their firm backs. I said all would be fine. See My Dears, I should hold seminars here at the Palais and help even more youngsters who are needy, in want and wholesome.  

I must say that My Dears.
I really must. 

Oh Dear, it’s quarter to tea-time and here I sit clickety-clacking away in my lounge pants and the tea bell could jingle at any mo’.

Tah for now My Dears. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


This was the week that was!

I am sure I am being tested.
No, not like a driver's test or spelling test or anything like that, I mean tested by a higher authority.
I don't mean by Jesus but the universe.
I hear you born-agains saying- "It's the devil that dun got dat boy by the short and curlies!"
It does bring back memories of the 80's though- being grabbed by the short and curlies I mean, however, that's another story.

No, it all started a week ago. I put my back out. I'd like to tell you I was doing some "manly" thing like lifting weights or chopping firewood or something of that nature but all I was doing was pulling a couple of yellowing Hosta leaves and throwing them in a yard bag.
I just couldn't get up. I couldn't stand at first.
I did manage to get to my feet and crawled up the front verandah steps to the wicker lounge.
I was hoping things would right themselves but they didn't and I was at the chiropractor a couple of hours later.

Today, I just completed  treatment number five- and there's more to come.
At least I can walk upright now- like an ape!
Anybody got a banana?

"I didn't do it. Honest! I was shampooing my beard. Couldn't have been me!"

Then, a few days ago, I had to go back to the eye Doctor. It's a follow up appointment to one I had six weeks ago. There was the possibility that my retina was detaching. I was seeing flashes of light from my left eye as well as having to look through what seemed to be a cloud- at least through part of my left eye. Now, I am told that the retina is still in place.
That's the good news.
Still, I need to be careful and look for the signs of trouble and in the meantime- meaning the rest of my life, that "cloud" will be there. My brain will eventually tell my eye that it's not "really there" and life goes on.
I love being over 60!

Lastly, our Schnauzer- Missy, had to have a lump removed from her lower jaw this week. It came off "clean" according to our vet- Dr. Choles- but we are waiting for the report that tells us it's all clear- or malignant.

So like I said, this was the week that was...
I'd mention that we're having our verandah repaired, there's an estimate is being done for a new furnace and we've accepted an estimate to have corrosive bits fixed on our van in December but that would just get too depressing!

Over and out!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


“Awww, I could have told you back in May it was going to be a cool, wet summer. There’s no such thing as Global warming!”

“Oh?”- I reply as I sip my cafĂ© latte.

“Yup. It’s all those things they got going around up there in space. That’s what’s causing all this freekish weather” 

I was having a coffee break on a bleak autumnal afternoon when the gentleman at the next table offered his thoughts on the weather. He continued talking as I continued sipping.

“They’re just foolin’ around with too much up there that they don’t know a thing about!” He points up. 

I reply-“I heard weather experts say the Polar Vortex and El Nino will be affecting our weather through March. We might get a bunch or snow again or maybe a milder winter. Nobody seems to know exactly.” 

He continues as if not hearing a word I just said, “No, we are back to regular summers and cold, snow-filled winters alright, just the way he intended it to be.”
“He?”- I asked.
“The big fellah. You know- God.”
I sipped again, then, offered an observation-
“Well I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. However, it was nice that summer arrived for a couple of weeks in Late September/early October.”
“I suppose”- he says, “Have a good one!”
Up he gets and starts to walk away.
“I will. Thanks.” 

Everyone always talks about the weather here in Orillia. Questions abound.
Hot enough for ya?
Cold enough for ya?
Wet enough for ya?
Sunny enough for ya?
Snowy enough for you….
And on and on. 

These days the talk is all about Polar this and that and El Nino or Nena. We seem to be at their mercy. Now, if you’re a Farmer’s Almanac sort of person you’ll already know that their agricultural prognosticators say some areas will see snow- later this month and into November of course. Poor old Manitoba has seen the white stuff already. Calgary too.

I remember one August it snowed in Calgary. Not too unusual for Alberta- more unusual for us in Central Ontario. Weather is strange- isn’t it?

Take Newfoundland for instance. Most years they see summer on or about July 28th. It leaves on the 29th!

I have always thought that living year round in Hawaii would be a good thing. Yes, they have the occasional hurricane but they don’t happen that often. There’s too much Pacific Ocean and they just blow out to sea. Other than that, the weather is pretty much nice every day. 

So, here in Orillia, enjoy a nice sunny day when it comes along. We’ll be bitchin’ about shovelling snow before you know it. I saw an ad for a pre-lit Christmas Tree the other day with 1000 mini lights. Right next to it an ad for Christmas Cards. 

Ho Ho Ho!


Monday, October 6, 2014


Mid- October and Thanksgiving is here.
Where did summer go? I hear you- what summer?
It seems we have gone from having the fireplace on to…having the fireplace on.
Wasn't it Canada Day last week?
Walking around the neighbourhood I see pumpkins on doorsteps and autumnal Mum plants in containers next to front doors. There are corn stalks and bales of straw on verandahs and porches. Fallen leaves are everywhere, waiting to be raked or sucked up by a lawn vacuum. Just think, in a couple of months there’s a good probability that snow will return!
The poor folks in Calgary and northern Manitoba have already seen that white stuff.
There have been slippery roads, snow-covered trees and assholes on snowmobiles with only a few inches of snow on lawns and fields.
Some days, I hear the Canadian Geese flapping their wings overhead. When it's a quiet you can hear the "swoosh" of their wings as they honk and pass by overhead.
Flower gardens are being put to bed. I hate that task. My back hates it too!
Lawn ornaments and garden gnomes are put back on shelves in garages and garden sheds, to doze away the cool days and cold nights that lie ahead.
Ponds are drained.
Eave troughs on our homes- clogged with colourful leaves, need to be cleaned out.
There's wood to pile alongside the garage for colder days and nights ahead.
The best part of Thanksgiving  is the aroma of turkey and ham, pumpkin pie and roasting apples wafting from the kitchen. We take the easy way out. Tom and I have our Thanksgiving dinner at the Casino. Lots of food and no cleanup afterwards.
Does it get any better?
Those who want to tag along with us are more than welcome. If not, we go it alone.
In our home, a fireplace once again becomes the centrepiece. We sit next to it in a favourite wing chair, reading a book or thumbing through a magazine or maybe just to take a much-needed snooze. I love to take a long walk near the lake or through a nearby conservation area on a crisp sunny day. It’s fun to make a brisk morning visit to the farmer's market for a special Jack-O-Lantern that will be carved with care and placed in a front window or on a verandah railing.
Of course our friends, family members and neighours wish us the best of the season and we are all "thankful" for small pleasures found in this troubled world of ours today. There's thoughts of loved ones who are no longer sharing our table but always share and hold a special place in our heart.
Here's to a great Holiday. A Happy, Joyous Thanksgiving.
Peace. Love. Being together. Good times. Smiles and hearty Laughter.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.