Friday, January 25, 2013

ROBBLOG #470

So, how’s January treating you so far?
 
It’s treating fat assholes very nicely and that’s all I am going to say about that.
However, the rest of us are suffering through the cold and the blahs of this wintery time of year- unless you’re one of the nuts racing about on their snow machines or trudging out on frozen expanses of water to shiver and shake while pretending to be sportsmen luring fish to certain death. The skiers are happy as well, getting frostbitten cheeks as they swoosh down snow-packed county hillsides.
 
Me?
It goes without saying- but I’ll say it anyway- I HATE WINTER.
I am more of a palm tree, sand and surf kind of guy.
Warm trade winds. Guys in speedos. Hot sun. Cold drinks.
Back when I was returning to this plane of living I didn’t read the fine print about Canada being a winter-like country most of the year.
I liked the name.
I liked the wide-open spaces.
As far as I can remember, I must have checked the wrong box when deciding where to be born again- not in the religious sense, this time around.
In past times I am sure I lingered on the warm sands at Waikiki Beach. I probably watched Joe Kahuna
teach the mainlanders how to surf on crude surfboards actually made of wood- not the plasticized models of today’s surfing crowd.
 
 
Can’t do much to change life this time around.
I just have to live with it.
I do my best.
Being cold and living through a Canadian winter is just a part of life.
Not a normal part of life but life just the same.
It’s a lesson learned to be sure. I mean  just having the “kahoonies” to go outside for even a few minutes.
I hibernate, unless I go out for a meal, a Tim’s coffee or I need to buy  loaf of bread.
 
How can we possibly be glad about freezing temps? Everyone you talk to is complaining. That’s because we haven’t had cold like this in a couple of winters.
Last year it was “coolish” but at least one could get outside and walk or bike.
 
I can hear the folks laughing in warm spots like Hawaii or Florida right now.
Ouch!
Minus 40.
Better Canadians than me- they’ll be saying.
 
So, that’s how January is treating me so far.
I don’t hold out much hope for February either.
She can be every bit a bitch like January.
 
Stay warm.
Think warm thoughts.
Have a Bailey’s.
Buy a property in a warm country- if you can afford it.
If not you can always dream about it.
I do. Things around here are liable to stay on the cool side for a bit longer.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

ROBBLOG #469

 
Can You Believe this?

Two guys in Cameroon (an African Country) stood at a bar drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream. They were thrown in jail for 5 years for being Gay- which they weren’t and have now been set free.
So heteros beside strapping a manbag over your shoulder, careful what you drink. You may be fingered…Hmmmm. Now that doesn’t sound  right!
 
Did you hear this?
 
What a smooth operator! An anesthesiologist at a North York Hospital apparently sexually assaulted a number of female patients while in the operating room. Because the Good Doctor was separated from the surgeons and nurses by a screen of some sort during surgery, he was able to tweek titties and more. How sad and disturbing is that?
 
Women suppressed…
 
If you’re a woman living in Indonesia you can’t straddle a motorbike anymore. It’s been made illegal. Straddling your husband or boyfriend is still legal, however.
 
 
 
Guns are good…money.
 
Gun shows have been cancelled within 100 kms of that school where so many kids lost their lives. Gun shows?? There are that many in the good old US of A?
They have gun shows. We have “Gold Jewellery” Shows where Americans coming into Canada to steal the gold at less than fair prices.
 
Ample people shouldn’t wear polyester.
 
Mr. Ford- perhaps soon to be the “former Mayor of Toronto”, should buy neckties long enough to drape over his expansive gut. He looks like he’s wearing kiddie ties. If the tie don’t fit, don’t wear it. On that same topic, if he can’t do up the top button of his shirt, get a larger neck size.
Then, if one has the nerve to gaze towards his crotch, one will see a selection of creases at the top of his pant legs due to the excess weight and heat generated in that particular area of his ample thighs. It looks awful. The only solution I can think of there, is he needs to lose weight or wear a dress. Problem is as long as KFC sells bucks, that will never happen.
 
The older we get…
 
I was thinking about getting older the other day. I am beginning to see that 60+ is not an ideal age. In fact, any age from here on in is not an ideal age. Getting older and facing death is like standing in a long line at the grocery store. There are plenty of folks ahead of you but one day- all of a sudden, it’s your turn and you’ve bought your last tub of yogurt.
 
Right on.
 
The glorious right and extreme right. They spend their time making sure the rest of us are denied whatever they can deny us. That’s what the right does- deny rights- right?
 
Pardon-moi? Mon Dieux.
 
 
 
Over in France they want to make Same Sex Marriage legal. It’s the Socialists at the helm. Referring to the “rights” above again, nothing pisses off a rightie or exteme rightie like a socialist. So, hundreds of thousands of people- mostly Catholics from outside Paris, marched on the Eiffel Tower trying to prove that their way is the better way and the only way. It’s the same old argument from these Catholic Cultists- same sex marriage will destroy families and civilization as we know it. A family is Mom and Dad and two kids they say.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
What of families where a Mom or Dad leave the nest or pass on and one adult is left to cope.
What of countries including Canada where same sex marriage has been around more than a decade. Have we gone to hell in a handbasket? Are we less civilized in nature?
Are we crumbling?
No, only the Gardiner Expressway it seems.
 
All that happened in Canada is the Harperites control Ottawa now as our penance for waiting so long to separate church and state and make same sex marriage legal.
 
Get over it people. There are larger things to worry about.
 
Have a good one!
 
 
 
 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

ROBLOG # 468

Thou shan’t and can’t have any other Gods before me.
 
Really?
 
Here’s a few to nosh on.
 
Hotei.
A God with a big belly and a wealth of resources who has attained the wisdom of Buddhism.
 
Fukurokujyu
A God with short legs who prophesises events and performs miracles for the betterment of mankind. No floods. No wars. No fire. Just a God that does good. We wouldn’t have a God without “good” would we?
 
A God by any measure!
 
Bishamon
Now this fellow wears some armour and has formidable strength. This God has a military fixation- like America, and considers himself/herself both a missionary and a warrior- yet virtuous! How’s that for multi-tasking?
 
Benton
A lady God, who appreciates art, literature, music and eloquence- much like me. A cultural Diva. We should meet and have coffee. She has the ability to play music and keeps a serpent by her side. Read: She likes the dick. Such a perfect God. One that all Gay men would and should worship freely- if we were so inclined to bow down to anyone other than Ryan Reynolds clad only in a speedo…
 
Ebisu
This God likes fishing and is a tradesman. He probably wears his jeans low so when he bends over, the crack of his ass is there for all to see and marvel. He believes that honest work makes one a better person. Yikes! Honesty in a God? Too bad this guy doesn’t smack a few political types up the side of the head.
 
Daikok’i
A Happy God who toils the earth and digs farmers. He is said to have a good sense of humour and loves being happy. He carries a sack of treasures- filled with expensive watches and shiny jewellery, which he has slung over his brawny back. I am really starting to like this God. Happy and "bling" all in one package. His wealth is vast and I am sold. Sit this guy down with Benton and the world could be a beautiful place. Food from the land. A few laughs and "bling".
Does it get any better?
 
Jurojin
A God who believes in longevity. I think he means years not in physical attributes.
This chap shows his age by sporting a white beard and carrying a staff in one hand- to help him amble along. In the other hand he has a scroll that contains all the wisdom of the world. He also carries a straight pin whereupon the pin’s head, all Stephen Harper’s wisdom is written!
 


Hugh Jackman.
He sings. He dances. He acts. He looks good on the beach.
Good God!

 Mohammed
This chap is quite giving- especially to men. Believe in Him, make the ultimate sacrifice and you’ll get seven thousand virgins, four thousand women and a selection of whores. Now that may mean Hors d’Oeuvres. The translation is sketchy but it sounds like a party! Now about the virgins... It seems a Virgin from Mohammed is the gift that keeps on giving. You can plug any number of these Virgins and their Virginity miraculously comes back for another go next time.
Hmmmm.
One man.
One cock.
A few thousand vaginas.
Seems hard to believe what this God offers the men- don't you think?
Oh yes the women. Gals, you can have two husbands if you want to.
No pressure because you really don’t matter that much. You’re only as good as the next stoning.
 
 
 
Emmanuel/God/His Son the Christ/The Holy Ghost
This Christian/Jewish model tries to be all things and wants to be numero uno.
This omnipresent creature kills his people with floods and fire. Tells his people what to do and where to go. Performs miracles- although the major miracles were a few thousand years ago now. He demands people to follow his commands- especially his “Top Ten” list. He needs lots of hero worship and expects everyone to bow down and love him and shower him with praise. Oh and if your God is Catholic, he likes to see a lot of gold and rich tapestries about. God likes the Catholics for that. The Baptists and the Mormons- not so much. They yell and scream and talk about living on far off planets. God divides his people into many, many religions- all ultimately looking for his love and compassion.
Like that’s going to happen
 
This God laughs a lot as he sits in Heaven- which is just a few thousand feet above the cruising altitude where Air Canada flies daily.
 
Bullshit baffles brains.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

ROBLOG #467



First off Happy New Year!
 

Here we go again. A new year and we’re all hanging by our collective foreskin.I don’t know what you ladies would be hanging by and I don’t even want to hazard a guess.
So, welcome back to my Rob Blog after a well-deserved rest. 

Second of all this year- and it's not a resolution, it's a question:
"When the tree falls in the forest will anybody care to listen?"

That being said- What the fuck is it with Justin Beiber? 

Oh well, a lack of  formulating and besmirching a blog does not make.
Oh, by the way if you don’t like to read the word “cock” in print. STOP reading now!

How can you not dislike the guy?
He is an “A-1” Asshole and I am surprized his Christian Mother doesn’t cuff his ears. Not only does he try to act like an American he seems to be under the quirky delusion that he is a Black American.
It’s the money he gets that causes such a change.
It should be a medical condition.  

Why are we Canadians so quick to be Americans? Yup- money. The yellow brick road to fame, fortune and a white picket fence. He has no idea and I am sure like most Canadian expats Beiber’s American managers insist that he de-Canadianize.

You see, most Americans don’t get Canadians. Actually, they don’t get the rest of the world unless they’re shooting at them- or themselves come to think of it. 

I saw Justin before Christmas on a Michael Buble Christmas Special- filmed in New York last year. A quick aside here.
I wasn’t too happy with Mr. Buble in this TV special either. The singing was good. Staging excellent but he took a moment to thank the troops and an oddly out of place video insert was dropped in as he waxed poetic about being Canadian and his hope for our troops.
I wonder what ran on American TV?
American “boys” in dress uniform filled a part of the audience. 

Anyway, back to Beiber. He was a guest of Mr. Buble’s and when he was introduced he walked out on the stage with pants hanging at the top of the crack of his lily-white Canadian ass. He walked- uncomfortably, like he had a huge carrot or cock up his ass. Actually I don’t think his ass could take a huge cock but that’s a story for another day. It was embarrassing. I don’t know how Michael kept a straight face.

Oh how I wish he had of fallen flat on his face. The crotch of the jeans hung at knee level.
When he sang-bending down to touch the hands of screaming 11 year old girls, the crack was right there- at least the uppermost reaches of it. Someone should have tucked a sprig of holly right there to cover the offensive boy-crack up, holding the thing in place with a huge piece of sticky duct tape.
He looked like a plumber- not a successful singer, although they make about the same salary. 

I mean, I try to like him but nothing he does endears me to him. I am not a fan of Mr. Harper but coming off set showing up to accept an award dressed like a south ward welfare recipient is just plain not acceptable . Who the hell is advising this guy?
Rob Ford? 

Now, even Beebs expensive car gets in trouble. A photographer rushed across an LA street to take a photo of the car- perhaps thinking the Beebs was driving it and was unfortunately hit and killed by a car when he crossed back to the side he came from.
Beiber made a statement. I didn’t hear it but what could he say?
I mean really- 

“Yo, yo, yo Bro...sorry ya got hits by a thang on the street.  Later. In Heaven dude.” 

I didn’t hear if “Beebs” came home to Kitchener for the Holidays- or is it Guelph? No matter, if I was the Mayor of Kitchener I’d say- Don’t need to do us any favours Beebs!
We’re trying to disassociate ourselves from not only your pants but your boy-crack as well. 

Call us when you grow up…