Sunday, November 25, 2012

ROBBLOG#463

The Holidays are nigh….
 
They must be because the Orillia Downtown Management Board have been decorating for the Holidays…again.
These same bunch of D.O.M.B bunnies who “crucified” snowmen on downtown lampposts two years ago- to everyone’s dismay, are back this year “hanging” things up again. Only this year it’s Christmas Trees- 60 of them as a matter of fact!
 
The trees are hanging by wires from the same planters where huge baskets of colourful petunias and begonias thrive throughout the warmer months.
 
Here’s rule number one when decorating-
Just because it’s there you don’t have to use it.
Unfortunately, rule one has been abused.
The trees are hanging from the lamp posts with their trunks planted in buckets of kitty litter.
 
I know.
This practically writes itself.
 
So what do we have plenty of in Downtown Orillia?
Feral cats for one.
Drunks and the homeless too.
 
So, let’s think about this. When a feral cat needs to pee, where does it go?
Outside. On the street. In buckets of kitty litter maybe?
 
When a drunk or a homeless person- who doesn’t have access to indoor plumbing, needs to tinkle, where do they go?
Right again.
Outside.
 
Thanks to the D.U.M.B (that’s Downtown Uhrillia Management Board) they’ve made it very convenient. The puddy cats are happy. The drunks will line up at the trees outside local drinking establishments to “tree-tinkle” too.
What fun!
How festive!
 
 
 
Now, besides the fresh aroma of spruce and pine, the alluring fragrance of “eau de pee” will waft along downtown streets. Just wait until some sunny, warm December days!
Intoxicating!
 
On the upside, Orillia may become better known for this attempt at Holiday decorating.
We may well become the “Paris France” of Central Ontario- what with all that outdoor “tinkling” going on.
 
Rule number two.
Affix decorations so they’ll not fall off a Christmas Tree or be abused. So, what else do we have in spades in Downtown Orillia?
Abuse.
Kids who spray paint, destroy, tinkle on and steal all manner of things- for drug money or kicks, like Christmas Lights and Decorations that adorn these hanging trees.
How nice!
A ready-made Christmas tree all ripe for the plucking. A simple pair of snips and it’s done. Haul it to a waiting ‘72 Dodge pickup andBob’s your Christmas Uncle!
I believe three have been plucked already.
 
Pluck me!
I believe it’s time to call in “real” decorators or at least a savvy Gay Man. There are plenty to be had and used to great advantage in Good Old Orillia Town- the soon to be “Pissour Capital” of Ontario.
 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

ROBBLOG #462

Just Another Holly Day on Bleeker Street
 
Time: 213PM
The Day: Tuesday
 
Blanche: Fah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah!
 
Jane: What the Fah-Lah-Lah-Fu** in tarnation makes you such a happy handicapper?
 
Blanche: Sister Dear! Really! It’s the Holiday Season? Why have you been sleeping in the root cellah again Jane?
 
Jane: Veruh Funny Blanche. You Holiday Hipsters make me wanna ….
 
Blanche: (quickly) Sing at the top of your lungs Jane?
 
Jane: (Lights a fag) Ya. Sure. Somethin’ like that! ~puff-drag-puff~
 
Blanche: Look Sister. Why don’t you go up in the attic and bring the rest of the Holiday decorations down here and we’ll decorate the tree- together.
 
Jane: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya Sister Dear? ~puff~
 
Blanche: Look Jane, Mr. Sorenson is coming by with a fresh, balsam spruce this afternoon and think of the fun we’d have decorating it all up. Why I could bake some brownies and make hot chocolate.


 
Jane: ~harumphhhh~ puff~ drag~puff~
 
Blanche: We could turn on the old 8 Track machine, plug in a Perry Como tape and hang some balls and light the lights!
 
Jane: ~sarcastically~ Now, wouldn’t that just be a “ball” of fun! You and me actin’ like sisters, Sister!
 
Blanche: Oh c’mon Jane. It’ll be fun. Do it for me.
 
Jane: (pauses) You say you’d make some brownies?
 
Blanche: Yes.
 
Jane: With fudge frosting?
 
Blanche: ~laughs~ Yes Jane Dear. ~chuckles~ With fudge frosting!
 
Jane: OK. I’m in but just remebah this doesn’t mean I love the holidays. I’m doin’ it for you.
 
Blanche: Good enough for me Sister Dear. Good Enough for me.
 
Blanche wheels away into the kitchen to bake her brownies while Jane heads for the attic room and the Christmas Boxes. Looks like it just might be a Happy Holiday on Bleeker Street this year!

Friday, November 16, 2012

ROBBLOG #461




Cripes! 
 
There’s just too much to comment on, so I’ll do some “Quickies”. 
 
Channing Tatum Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.
American logic, of course.
Not even close. I even hesitate to call him an actor. Have you seen anything he’s done?
That stint on Saturday Night Live a few months back was pitiful. Even taking his shirt off “barely” helps. So, let’s put this in perspective- Sexiest Man in American Eyes?
OK.
Maybe, but what about Robert Downey, Seth Myers, Joel McHale (Yummy!),
John Hamm, Ryan Gosling- a Canadian Hunk, Chris Pine, Ryan Reynolds- another Canuk and Alexander Skarsgard- total yummy and my favourite amongst all of the above.
Channing? Re-thinkable at best.
 
Orillia’s Pool and whatnot at the David H. Church Street property- in the South Ward?
C’mon.
 
Really?
 
I mean- Really?
 
Just when there was the opportunity to breathe life into West Street South, these dummies chose a property surrounded by half-shacks and welfare slums.
Not all- but many.
Really?
 
The West Street South choice might have helped the Downtown. Maybe even that loser of a strip mall at King and West could be improved not to mention the old, empty, decaying former Canadian Tire store.
No, let’s put it in the South Ward where most couldn’t even afford to belong to such an enterprise.
It’s nuts! 
 
A man at a Keswick McDonalds was talking dirty to a “lady” on his laptop as a Mum and her kid sat close by. The online “mama” wanted the patron to do this and that to her- cyberspace-wise that is. The nice Mum moved her kid to another booth in the McDonalds and told the manager who in turn spoke with the alleged horny dude. The dude stayed in the “mood” for another 20 minutes. I suppose he had paid his buck ninety-nine for 20 minutes and wasn’t going to waste it! What Cretans won’t do in public with a computer.
 
Geesh! 
 
That Canadian-educated American Spy guy who sent a photo of himself stripped to the waist alongside two “dummies” needs to keep his shirt on. A Newspaper article describes the guy as “buff” and a caption beneath the photo says he’s standing next to two dummies that are equally as “ripped” and “buff” as he is.
 
Who are they kidding?
 
I saw the picture and he’s not even close to being “buff”. I mean in comparison to this guy, Channing Tatum is “buff”. For pete’s sake, the dummies have pecs and large torsos whereas this FBI Guy is skinny.
Okay- trim.
It hurts my eyes to look at him. The press needs to take another look and re-phrase the caption. 
 
Oie! 
 
Then, there’s that parade of War Vets in Midland Texas. The parade route crossed rail lines. As a float carrying “veterans” crossed the tracks, a freight train just happened to come along and hit it broadside.
Dead and injured lined the tracks.
Question?
Didn’t any of the organizers check the freight train schedule? 
What a mess and an unfortunate incident that could have been avoided. The pictures show lots of lights and warning signs at the crossing. 
 
Finally, there’s Toronto’s Mayor Ford.
Wait.
That’s just too easy. 
 
Over and out for now!

Monday, November 12, 2012

ROBBLOG # 460


What has gone wrong with the world? 

I ask you in all sincerity. 

Some black, female singer who likes to show her titties and twatty is on the cover of GQ magazine. To be fair, you can only see some rounded tittie parts and her twatty is covered with her “fore-arm-y” but the intent is clearly visible. This same singer provided a ho-hum performance in army boots and hunting jacket on a recent Saturday Night Live!
Some people get all the breaks! 

Good Gosh!
Everyone knows that only Gay Men read GQ.
So, why not a pic of Hugh Jackman on the cover stroking his magnificent, manly arms? Even Brandon Routh who plays a Gay Man on Television’s “Partners” would have made a much more exciting cover sporting those arms of his that are the size of pillars on a Victorian Home’s front verandah.
Egads!

Brandon and his bicep- from TV's Partners- WOOF!

Tim Hortons in Oman?
Yup.
Tim’s has now officially opened in the Sultanate of Oman after opening 19 outlets in the United Arab Emirates. Crowds have gathered to indulge in a little piece of Canada but where are the women at?
In the pictures I haven’t seen a woman behind the counter working or in front of the counter buying. It’s all men.
I always ask- Where are the women folk at?
I know the answer- at home barefoot, preggers and covered up from head to toe in case some man where to take a sideways glance at them and have an evil or sexual thought.

One lump or two- sir?
~pause!
I mean in your coffee- not your camel! 

Oh Dear!
Martha Stewart may be losing her empire.
The Queen of Bitches has lost something like 188 million in the past couple of years.
Of course, she still made 230 some million but still it’s a pile of money to part with to be sure.

Reports say Martha has 9 personal servants.
I have zero. 

She has 4 homes.
I have one. 

She has any number of paint colours, furniture, magazines and Christmas Decor named after her.
I have none and I’m not even a bitch.
Wait!
Let me re-think for a moment. 

~ahem~ 

To be fair, I can be a bitch when I need to be and that’s the simple truth, however,
I wouldn’t change it for the world.
The reason?
I am a Gay Man, so suck it up. 

As a matter of fact, if people don’t like it, they can chew last month’s issue of GQ and no- I don’t know who was on the cover, so eat it anyway. 

Thus ends today’s lesson.

Friday, November 9, 2012

ROBBLOG #459



This is basically a repeat blog but it still has a special message. 

It is not a message I have composed but rather a text that was written in 1927.
The Desiderata.

The original author, Max Ehrmann, was an attorney- turned “philosopher-poet”. It is said he wrote it simply for himself yet it has continued to inspire all who read it. The text, basically unknown in the author's lifetime, was written in 1927. Then, it was found in the late 50’s and added it to a collection of devotional prose. It was- at first, believed to have been written in the 1600’s. Further investigation found that it was written in 1927 by Ehrmann. 

It is truly remarkable that one person was able to write something so compelling and beautiful. 

Over the ages there have been many poems written that elicit a wide range of emotions. “In Flanders Fields” comes to mind. How difficult it is to recite- or listen, to that poem during Remembrance Day services. 

This particular piece of prose was recorded in 1971 by Les Crane. The prose was rather unknown yet Crane recorded it- spoken word, with a chorus and music. It was called The Desiderata. It became a hit recording. 

Its message of hope, love and good will could be a religion. I believe the poem offers much more in its 33 lines, than most of today’s so called religious texts. The message is not necessarily a religious one but a spiritual one. Spiritual on a level that all people and cultures can appreciate and understand- “Life is good despite all the nastiness in our world.”

 Enjoy- The Desiderata…and remember.

(The Desiderata is copyrighted by Bell & Son Publishing. NYC, NY.) 

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.  

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. 

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.  

Be yourself.  

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.  

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
 

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. 

And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Monday, November 5, 2012

ROBBLOG # 458

 
And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a huge picture of Hank!
 
You see, I was driving past the Orillia Opera House a few days ago and I almost found myself “driving” on a Cloud. No, not the big cloud of eternity up there (he points), I mean the storefront opposite the Opera House. I pratically drove up onto the sidewalk outside that lovely shoe store.
 
I had just caught site of a banner- featuring Hank, that’s hanging on the front of the Opera House.
It was so big.
I mean really big!
So colourful.
I mean really, really colourful!
So- in your face.
So Hank!
 
 
 
I knew Hank was planning some kind of eye-catching advertising to promote his Holiday Showcase on December 7th and 8th, I just didn’t expect anything quite this spectacular!
I mean a photo of Hank- from the shoulders up, six feet tall!
It’s a little un-nerving to say the least.
 
The colourful banner was accompanied by another banner to its right featuring the show title and a Christmas Tree along with the words- Tickets on Sale Now.
 
Hank is quite the promoter.
He has to be. He and his cast are working hard on this Holiday Spectacular.
I should know.
I not only wrote the show, I am directing it as well.
There’s Dancing and Singing Nuns.
Mrs. Lillian Steeper- who is a little scary at the best of times, performing her best “talent”. Lord help us!
A Mother Reverend who is not your usual Mother Superior type- if there is a type.
You’ll find a Holiday newscast as well as a version of A Christmas Carol- Hankified of course. Hank plays the ….well, maybe should just buy a ticket and find out.
 
20 bucks for a single or get a gang together (10 or more) and save 5 bucks a ticket.
There are even some spectacular Holiday treats and beverages at intermission- all complimentary.
 
Take my advice here.
It’s free and all in the spirit of the Holidays:
 
Of course, like most holiday parties, you’ll enjoy the show a hundred percent more if you’re “liquored” up a bit.
I should know.
As I told you- I wrote the show.
The Opera House has a selection of “Adult Beverages” to help you go to your happy place and being the Holiday Season we all need to go there especially when there’s the not-so-happy prospect of spending some holiday time with family.
Egads!
Now, not too happy that you’ll be asked to leave the theatre, just happy enough to put a smile on your face and a warm holiday glow in your heart.
 
You also have a chance to support Orillia’s Sharing Place Food Bank. Hank’s Show is asking you to purchase a voucher for a turkey- or at least part of a turkey, that will be turned into the real thing and given to the Sharing Place who’ll be happy to give it to a local family for their Christmas Dinner.
 
Finally, if you’re planning on sticking a twig of holly into someone’s heart this Christmas, this is not the show for you. Stay home and watch the “Walking Dead” on AMC.
 
So for a good time call: 705.326.8011 or go online to www.orilliaoperahouse.ca
 
You’ll be glad you did.
It’ll give you the opportunity to see Hank real close up!
All six feet of that marvellous mug of his- in full colour!