Monday, April 30, 2012

ROBBLOG #405


More fun with Biblical Facts

This is the third in the current series. Will there be more?
Who knows? There's a wealth of situations here.
Enjoy... my faithful flock.

A story of the "Beginning" of time- or at least a 5000 years ago.
Genesis 4:
"So Cain went out from the Lord's presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch"

To bring you up to speed.
The Supreme Being made Adam.
Adam got tired of being alone and you know what young men do to themselves when they are alone?
Don't you?
That's why Kleenex was invented.
~ahem~
So God made Adam sleep one afternoon and while Adam slept, God yanked
~Wait for it~
- a rib from his side.
He blew on it and low and behold Eve appeared like an act on the semi-finals of Canada's Got Talent.
Now, eventually Adam and Eve performed coitus and had Cain and Able. Coitus?
No it's not the dinner show at the Holiday Inn.
It's a sexual union between a male and a female involving insertion of the penis into the vagina.
Yech!

From the last lesson you should be familiar with the "coitus" that Lot's daughters had with their "old man" while he slept in a drunken stupor.

And it came to pass...Cain got pissed off one day and killed Abel his brother.
Now, so far I count 4 humans on earth.
Then minus one with Abel's death so, we stand at three.
After all God's focus was on this "creation" of Adam and Eve.
Now it was God's turn to be pissed. Cain went away to the Land of Nod.
There's no mention who lived in Nod.
Maybe Adam and Steve?
Still 4 minus one and counting.
All of a sudden Cain finds a woman in the Land of Nod and has his way with her and has a son or two.
Care to explain that one Lucy?
Did he have sex with his sister- or his mother Eve?
Did he have a sister?
I dunno.
As usual with the Holy Book, one has to make up a lot and just go with the flow- a lot.

A Recipe for Stone Soup
This one's a bit involved.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21
"If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate.... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death."
Okay.

A man marries a women.
On the wedding night he believes that some other man has been "unto" her. That means hubbie suspects she's not a maiden. So the wife's Mum and Dad have to prove she is still a maiden.
If the hubbie was lying- being a false prophet if you will, he get's stoned.
If the wife turns out to be un-virgin like, Maw and Paw drag her to the city gates to be stoned by the menfolk in town.
Large Rocks 3 shekels . Medium 2 shekels or 4 rocks for 5shekels.
Such a deal!

In additon but a totally different scenario:
Deuteronomy 22:22
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die"
So a man fools around with another man's wife. That man and the wife also get hauled off to the city gates to be stoned.
What fun!
These days, the city gates would be a crowded place to be- wouldn't you agree?

Judges 21: 7-23
Look this one up yourself. It's too long to reprint her.
The story?
It's kind of like a frat house party only with way more blood.
A bunch of guys decide to kill 400 virgins.
Poor virgins.
It's always the poor virgins.
Fellas are shoving their dicks every which way but loose and the virgins still pay the price.
Anyway, all these chaps get together and slaughter 400 virgins.
They are proud of the deed they did.

A week or so later, they realize that since they killed all the virgins, there have no women to take as their wives.
Such a conundrum.
So, they rush off to the neighbouring county where all the single girls are dancing and having a party on this particular night. The guys hide in the bullrushes or cornfields and when the gals are dancing round the fire-pit, they nab one for each of themselves and cart the gals back home and marry them.
Ahhh.
A happy ending.

How they could tell in the dark the ladies were still vrigins is beyond me. If perchance the ladies were not virgins, please refer to Deuteronomy 22: 13-21 above.

Has anyone heard these stories in Sunday School or from the pulpit?
I thought not.

How to get a Free Ticket into Heaven
Timothy 2:15
"But she will be delivered through childbearing, if she continues in faith and love and holiness with self-control:
Basically, a women has a baby and gets a free ticket into Heaven. Now the verse prior to this one mentions Eve and of course the fact she deceived Adam. That's the whole snake and the apple thing.
Poor Eve. They just can't let her forget that little deception. It's not like she scratched the side of his 57 Chevy or something!

Oh yes in this same area of Timothy- a few verses above, there are some pretty stern rules for the
ladies to follow. You can see how women in a political party or holding a position of authority rubs the Harperites the wrong way.
These words are so clear, I don't have to tell you what they mean.
C'mon ladies. Pull up your socks and get with the tour.
The tour that ends in Heaven.
Timothy 2: 11
"A woman must learn quietly with all submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man.
She must remain quiet."
Whaaat? You say?
I know but them's the facts M'am.

I mean this is God's word not something the Liberals are throwing at you willy-nilly.
Now, I know you fellas may feel a little sad knowing that just because you have a penis and not a vagina you can't have a baby and go directly to the Pearly Gates.
Now, don't be sad.
There is another way. It's a lot like Monopoly.

Mathew 19:29
"And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."
What does this mean?
Just give up everything- your house, property, family, money and your Gordon Lightfoot 8 Track tapes and you'll slide into Heaven homefree and richer too. A hundred times richer if one believes the verse.
Hmmm. Wonder if there are Joe Fresh stores in Heaven?

So everyone smile.
Death is looking better all the time...unless of course your a non-virgin.
That just means Hell is waiting for you with open arms.

Friday, April 27, 2012

ROBBLOG #404


More Bible Fun


Now, here’s a little tale of Noah before he tried shipbuilding for a living.
First we are told that Noah is a pretty reputable guy.
Genesis 6:9
“These are the records of the generations of Noah. Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his time. Noah walked with God.” 

But then we find that Noah also like to show his penis- to his kids! 
Genesis 9: 21-23
“…and he drank wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent…
And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brethren without…and Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and went backward and covered the nakedness of their father…and they saw not their father’s nakedness…” 
I wonder how many tries it took- without looking, for Shem and Japeth to fling a blanket
up and over their heads and “tent” their Father’s naked extremity? How did they know they covered it completely if they walked into the tent backwards and left forwards.
Did they go to our own tents and do what their father had done. The Bible doesn’t say.

Now, here’s a rather sordid story of Lot and his two daughters. From Genesis 19: 30 to 36 Imagine this story being  told to a Sunday School Class. 

So, Lot and his two daughters lived in a cave after their Mother took one too many glances over her shoulder at the Gays and Lesbians, Harlots, Ejaculators and Sex Fiends being destroyed- by God, in Sodom. It seemed that God loved to smite his chosen people since he did it quite often with fire,  floods or storms. Anyway, I digress… 
 One day Lot’s oldest daughter said-“Hey, Dad’s old and since we live in this cave with no cable or no men to have sex with and give us children, here’s an idea. Let’s get Dad drunk on wine and sleep with him and have a kid.” 
“Whaaat?” –said the younger daughter.
“C’mom. It’ll be fun!”- said the oldest. 

So, the older daughter slept with her drunken Dad and apparently Lot wasn’t aware of it even though he had a good time. 

The next day as Lot was holding an ice-pack on his balls under a nearby Banyan tree, the girls were sitting around the cave fire chatting. The older girl said to the younger daughter-
“I know. Let’s get Pop drunk again and you can sleep with him this time.”
“Really?” said the younger Lot Daughter, “Wouldn’t that be wrong on so many levels?”
“Oh. Come on. Grow a pair!”- said the older daughter whom we know had already slept with Dad the night before. 

So the gals got Dad drunk again. They told some bawdy jokes. The younger daughter slept with him and Lot was none the wiser.
Nine months later both daughters had sons and Lot was still none the wiser. Look. Let’s examine this closely. There was no other man around the cave and yet his daughters got pregnant and Lot couldn’t figure that out?
Lot was a stupid man- a man who had sex- with his daughter, while he was drunk but still a bit stupid. He must have been a good fuck since elder daughter suggested younger daughter climb on board his erect shaft and give it a try- all in the name of procreating for the human race.

Ya, gotta love God’s thinking, eh? 
The moral.
Keep your penis  tightly sipped in your pants even when you’re drunk.
Thus ended the lesson. 

Plenty more next time, including God having sex with Mary- immaculately, to have Jesus who ultimately slept with his own Mother to conceive himself. Also, if there was Adam and Eve- not Adam and Steve which seems more logical since man was made in the Lord’s image, plus their two sons. How did they have kids to continue the human race unless they had sex with….

Wait for it…

Monday, April 23, 2012

ROBBLOG #403


Bible Fun Today!

Hey Kids!
Hey Mums and Dad!
Here’s some great fun stories from the “holiest” of all books and the great news is it only costs a buck at the dollar store to read more.
Many homes today have this Best-Selling book on a shelf in the den but if you really knew what was inside would you proudly display it on your coffee table or library shelf? Would you want your kids to hear about it in Sunday School?
You decide.

Let’s start with a bit of Slave talk from Leviticus 25: 44-46
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.  You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.  You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life…”
Now doesn’t that sound like fun! The Bible says that slavery is quite all right. I could use a few handsome slaves  around the house.

Now Leviticus 18: 22. All the Gays take exception to this one.
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination”
This may have been mis-interpreted over the centuries. You know how Bible people screw things up and twist words to fit what they believe. Now what if this simply meant a guy shouldn’t tell a fib to another guy but it is okay to tell a white one to “the wife”.
Case in point.

“Hey Frank! Wanna grab a beer after work?”
“No, Pete. I got a go to a…a…uh..uh…dentist appointment. Ya that’s it. A dentist appointment!”
“Really?”- says Pete.
We know that Frank is lying! He just doesn’t want to drink beer with his friend Pete.
That is an abomination. Lying to a buddy?
However, look at this scenario.
Frank’s on the phone to “the wife” Vera-
“Hi Honey. Look I got to stay late at work. See ya later?”
“Oh Frank, I made your favourite- meatloaf!”
“It’ll keep- won’t it Honey? I’ll have it when I get home. Love you.”
Vera is quite disappointed- “Oh fine then. Don’t work too hard Dear!”
“Pete breathes a sigh of relief. “I won’t sweetheart.”
He hangs up the phone and heads to the strip club on the south side of town.
Classic man stuff!
Hey! If you want to read about abomination, read about Lot and good old Noah a bit further down.

This next one is pretty pornographic.
Ezekiel 23:20
“For she doted upon her paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of donkeys, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”
Translation: She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses.
Whaaaaat?
This is in the good book?
Yup.
Picture this.

Sarah and Ruth are at the local well drawing water. Ruth says:
“Hey did you hear about Esmeralda’s latest lover?”
“No. Do Tell”- says Sarah.
“Well, I heard it from Bethsheba that this newest  johnny-come-lately is hung like a donkey!”
“No!”- Sarah gasped holding her right hand across her heaving bosum. “The dickens you say!”
“Dick at the very least! Know what else?”
“There’s more?”- says Sarah.
Ruth looks to her left and to her right to ensure they were alone. “Beth also says when he comes….”
“Yes. Go on.” There’s an excitedness in Sarah’s voice this time.
“When he comes…”
Ruth slaps her thigh. Hard.
“…apparently he comes like a horse. Semen everywhere!”
 “No!”
“Yes!” Ruth almost speaks too loudly. She slaps Sarah on the back-
“So what do you think of that?”
The girls pick up their clay vessels brimming with cool, clear water and take a few steps away from the well.
Sarah shakes her head as she squats to urinate-
“I wonder what her father would say if he found out?”
Ruth smirks- “I can only imagine. Apparently good old Dad has lain with the donkey-cock too!” Ruth laughs out loud.
Sarah stood and pulled her cotton dress down over her silky, olive-coloured legs- “Abomination. Absolute abomination!”
“Yes.” Ruth agreed. “Somebody ought to write this stuff down in a book. It’d be a best seller for sure!
Off the girls tromped laughing and giggling all the way home, water splashing this way and that from their terra cotta containers.

More Bible Bwa Hah Hah next time!

Friday, April 20, 2012

ROBBLOG #402



When looking around for a new place to live, I don’t think I would choose Owen Sound.

In fact, I am sure of it. 

The City has some nice things to be sure. It’s located on Georgian Bay which appears to be more like an ocean rather than a bay, since it stretches on forever towards the horizon. There are plenty of older homes and buildings- even in the downtown area, which gives it a nice, historic feel. Orillia could- I should say “could have”, taken some lessons from Owen Sound. We’ve pulled old buildings down willy-nilly over the years.
Why just look at the latest result?
It’s that ugly, glass-walled modern library nudging up against the Historic Opera House.
Did anyone even look at the plans to ensure the building would fit into the idea of a “Historic, Victorian Downtown?”
It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes.
Everyone’s afraid to say the building sucks the big one!
It’s stark naked!
It doesn’t ooze any Victorian Charm. 

Back to Owen Sound.
A river runs through it and big boats still come across the Great Lakes to the grain elevator.
Young, unwed Mothers and redneck fathers gather outside the downtown Tim Horton’s, blowing smoke into the faces of their newborns and young children. A mirror image of the Tim’s on Colborne Street in Downtown Orillia.
That felt like home… 

The OS has built a stunning new Rec Centre. It’s called the Coliseum. Two ice surfaces, two pools and more. It’s not all open yet but will be soon.
Here at home, we have two ice surfaces snuggling up to Oro Medonte. It’s too far for the kids to walk or bike, dragging their skates and equipment with them. That could change if the West Street site becomes a new Rec Facility. Of course there’s as much chance of that happening as there is having the Jehovah’s passing by my front door.

Culture? Theatre? Museum. I did see a Billy Bishop Museum signpost.
OS has an Airport. The Billy Bishop Airport.
Do you think Bishop may have been born in OS?
He must have at least passed through OS’s airspace.
Orillia used to be part of an airport. Now Barrie and Oro Medonte own it. One day that will bite Orillia in the ass.
Big time!
Blame that on the last City Council. 

I am not sure if Owen Sound has a sense of humour like Leacock’s Orillia. I didn’t see or hear a lot of laughter. I saw a lot of golf courses, however. 

They have a marvellous park with a river cutting through it. Swans, ducks and Peacocks populate its banks. They have a nice park on the Georgian Bay shoreline as well, not far from the massive grain elevator at the harbour. 

No, alas, Owen Sound will not be our new home- although they do have a Sears Department store. Their population sits at 22,000 but I was told they are a centre for the surrounding area, so OS services a larger population than their welcome signs reflect. 

I still think a move to British Columbia- Ladner, is the ticket. Better still, Salt Spring Island. Imagine just being simple Island Folk floating in the Pacific waters. Nanaimo or Tofino look promising as well.  

Then, there’s the option of having a small home in South Florida- somewhere near Naples where there’s not too many alligators- and a small home back here for the summer months- somewhere where there’s not too many bears- just not in Orillia.

Maybe a Toronto or Mississauga Condo looking out over Lake Ontario?

We’ve been told we would be a pair of married, Gay WASP’s, living as racial minorities in Mississauga these days but that’s okay.
I still miss that city…and Hazel. 

The search continues.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

ROBBLOG #401



The time has come. 

The end of the world is nigh.
North Korea is threatening the world.
Alberta is tired of Conservative Rule.
Cher may perform another Farewell Tour. 

Seriously folks, in North Korea, leader- that weird-looking, be-speckled example of all things communistic, has the palm of his hand just a few inches from the panic button.
In the Middle East, Israel is pissed off with Syria- or is it Iran?
A skirmish may ensue.
Who makes the guns and bombs?
America- probably. 

So much unrest and non-peace in this world and yet, Peace is so easy to come by.
Get up in the morning.
Have a coffee.
Listen to the birds.
Read a paper.
Bury the guns.
Give all the right-leaning Conservative-Religious types their own country- preferably an island in the middle of the ocean and the rest of us would be fine.
Just fine. 

On the positive side, it appears to be business as usual over at Wally-world. Wal*Mart has over 330 stores in Africa!
What?
Yes indeedy do!
I didn’t know that either.
Most are in South Africa but also in Namibia and Nigeria. Yes for the local tribesmen, the local Wal*Mart is the place to shop. Just look around the store. Standing at the entrance, on your left you’ll find shoes.Then, electronics- featuring iPads, movies and more and seasonal items like firewood and rope.Continuing in a clock-wise direction, Eyewear is next, then spears, fabrics and
Wives.
Lastly a section featuring cards and gifty items- like handguns, finally to completer the 360 degree tour, a McDonalds to the right of the entrance.
Wait.
Wives?
I am only thinking out loud here but why not?

I don’t know how safe it is to travel to Namibia or Nigeria but I would expect to survive
In the world of business, you have to give the folks what they want. On the Foreign Affairs Canada Website it advises against non-essential travel to Nigeria. There is a risk of terrorism, crime, communal clashes, armed attacks, banditry and kidnapping.
Hmmm…It sounds just like a normal Tuesday afternoon at the Wal*Mart Supercentre- without the terrorism and armed attacks of course. 

As for Namibia, on the Foreign Affairs website, it says that Canadians should exercise a high degree of caution in the area because of the risk of banditry. A final warning on the site suggests one should only cross into Angola through official border crossing areas.
Thanks.
Good advice. 

It goes to show you that shopping at the Walmart Supercentre in Orillia is relatively easy
and a bit safer compared to Namibia or Nigeria. Of course, in Orillia one has to watch for the “terror” of lone shopping carts rushing across the parking lot aided by a vigorous north wind. If shoppers would only walk ten feet to the cart return station, we could all rest easy and feel much safer when we step from our vehicles. However, living in this world of nuclear threats and banditry we must be aware that shopping at Wal*Mart is not without its dangers. 

In the meantime, have a month’s supply of canned food in your basement.
Hug a dog.
Pat a puddy.
Marvel at a flower.
Watch a happy movie.
Cancel your travel plans to Nigeria.

So, stop and smell the coffee- especially if you’ve just checked out at Wal*Mart and McDonalds is right in front of you!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

ROBBLOG #400



Look up. Look way up. You'll see that this is RobBlog #400.
I can hardly believe it!
I had no idea I could do it.
Will I continue to 500?
I just don't now.
My story below is one that came to me before the Easter Weekend. I was thinking about those with faith and how would a Superior Being- such as a God, decide how and where to appear to the masses on Earth, without shunning various religious factions.
Basically- what Religious organization would be most-favoured.


God Has a Think 

One day a couple of weeks ago, God was feeling restless.

God had watched Sound of Music at least 10 times and quite frankly it was becoming tiresome. Monty Python’s Life of Brian and the Meaning of Life were rip offs.
God thought- “I should sue”.
God mumbled aloud- “I had all- or at least most, of those ideas first.
However, that being said, God still laughed at several scenes in both movies- most notably: 

“Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm gets wasted,
God gets quite irate.” 

“What does a great deity like me- God, care if a bit of sperm gets tossed on the ground flushed down the drain or spewed upon someone’s bare back. “As if”- says God aloud as Madeline is passing through the den with her vacuum, a bunch of assorted tools and her favourite pink duster, heading for the kitchen. 

“Using your outside voice again God? I’ll bite. As if what- your magnificence?”- Madeline stopped to ask, even though she had her hands quite full of cleaning materials. 

“Oh Madeline, I was just thinking out loud about inhabitants of Planet Earth and how and what they perceive me to be.” 

With a deep, huffy breath, Madeline set down the vacuum and pink duster and placed both hands on her ample hips. Staring at God, she tapped her right foot for a fleeting moment. She actually seemed to be a bit pissed. It wasn’t the first time. 

“Look God, I’ve told you before. Those folks are all messed up down there on that Earth. You did what you could. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you just should have stayed out of it in the first place. They would have made out alright. Look at those other planets where you didn’t share your omnipresent ideas. They are still spinning.” 

God looked out the window across the vast universe called Heaven. 

“I know. I know Madeline. Sometimes I just care too much and now all of them- well, most of them, think I am responsible for their past, present and future. I didn’t want any of this Madeline. I should have just stood back and watched, not throw me or my son into the mess. It was a bad move.”

“More like a bad movie. Hindsight, now. Sounds like the Devil’s work to be sure!”- says Madeline. She started to bend over to pick up her stuff from the tapestry rug covering the stone floor of God’s Den when she snapped her fingers- “Oh say! I almost forgot to tell you. Your Son called and said he was staying on Orlon a while longer. Something about fabulous beaches and he and the boys were having one hell of a time windsurfing!” 

God looked away from the window and back to Madeline. Before God could speak Madeline chimed in-
“Yes God. I told him to wear sunscreen! Honestly, you must take me for a one big, black idiot sometimes!” 

“No Madeline. Not at all. Never. You’ve been with me for ever. I’d never think that.” 

God lit a pipe.

Madeline’s voice became terse.
“Forever? Huh. Seems more like an eternity. Look the lad will be fine. Paul and Timothy are good guys although I have my doubts about that Thomas boy!”
She pauses for a second and looks over to God who is blowing smoke rings into the air and once again has turned to stare out the window at what lays beyond.

She continues. 

“Look, why don’t you take that long face of yours, pick up that phone and call The Devil. Maybe you can play cards or go for a round of golf. Anything to get you out of the house!” 

“Can’t do it! He’s busy giving seminars to the Atheists on Borg3. Selling out and doing quite well I hear. He said he’d call when he got back.” 

“And you believe what he says do you?” Madeline’s hands were back on her hips again.
Shaking her head she says- “Lookit! I know you’ve known that Devil for eons but honestly, find some new friends!” 

“But he plays such a good round of golf and he’s a great talker Madeline. No, I like having him around.” God puffed on the pipe. 

“Of course you like having him around. That chess game the two of you have been playing with those poor Human Beings down there on Earth!”
She shakes her head again.
“When are you two pranksters gonna tell them mixed up tribes that it was all one big bit of magic- nothing more. I think that joke has pretty much run its course. You know God- like Betty White in that show Hot in Cleveland or Peter Mansbridge on the National. Ya gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em!” 

God looks back to Madeline.
“Still listening to that ‘country music’ I see.” 

“Bet your golden arches I am. I loves its very heart!”
She touches a right hand to her chest.
“Look I got things to do, so get yourself up off of that sofa and go over and talk to Peter at the gate. He always has something good to say about everything and everybody- except for Stephen Harper and Garfield Dunlop, other than that he’s a pretty good buddy. No go. Shoosh.” 

God lifts up from the couch and looks straight at Madeline. “You know I liked it better before everyone thought I existed!”

“Like sour milk, it’s too late to turn it back now. Good Gosh you are a complainer some days. Now get away with you. Shoo!” 

God smiled at Madeline and exited the den. Grabbing an umbrella from the rack in the front hall- even though it only rains once in a blue moon in Heaven, God walked out the front door.

“Hey stop by Mary Magdalene’s Market and pick up a steak for your dinner!”- Madeline called out as the door closed. “Good gosh a mighty. I’ll never understand that God. What a creation!”
She chuckles while she picks up her cleaning materials and heads for the kitchen in God’s House.  

 Once outside, it only took God about twenty minutes to sashay to the gate.  

“Well look who’s outside enjoying the weather and blue sky. I thought you were permanently fettered in that house of yours!” 

God smiled at Peter- “Naw, it’s just that some days I think- what’s the point?” 

“About what? Look God, is this about Earth again? It’s about time you tell those fine people it’s all a mirage. Tell them soon before they end themselves once and for all.”
Peter had a point. 

“I know. I know.” God sat down on the bench near the gate. He laid the umbrella on the ground. “Damn my feet are sore. It’s these new shoes. Pinching on my toes.” 

Peter smiled- “If you can’t get comfortable shoes, how’s there any hope for the rest of us?”

“Hope? Highly over-rated.” God slipped off the shoes off and felt the coolness of the grass beneath bare feet. “Ahhhh. That’s better. Look Pete. I have this idea.” 

Peter sat down next to him.

“Uh-Oh. Last time you had an idea you sent that son of yours down to Earth and…” 

“Smart ass. That’s what I was thinking about. You know, kind of like a second coming.” 

“What?” Peter was taken aback.” Why? To fulfill some kind of prophecy you conjured up a long time ago? You’ve flipped your corn-encrusted tootsies!” 

“What?” God was perplexed. 

“It’s just a turn of phrase God!” 

“I see. Not a very good one Pete.” 

“Fuck off! They all can’t be charmers.” Pete folded his arms across his chest. 

“Now, now.”-says God. I didn’t mean anything by that. Look what do you think about my idea. Sending the boy back down.” 

"Piece of ill-perceived crap God. Look it was just a bit of fun all that time ago with you and the Dev. A bet. A dare placed over the dinner table one night. God you really made a mess of that one! Can’t you just curl up with a good book or something?” 

God placed a hand on Peter’s thigh- “Peter. Don’t take my name in vain- please and thank you.” 

Peter looked into God’s face.
“Right, I don’t call you names and in return you respect my thoughts and actions.” 

“Right!” God slapped Pater’s thigh. “Simple- isn’t it?” 

Peter nodded. “Yes, now if you had only kept it simple for those earth beings. Now what the Hell would you do if you sent someone down there as a joke- again?” 

“No. No. Not a joke this time. An action to undo a trespass. Undo the gag. The problem it created in the first place.” 

Peter thought for a moment and then said- “Okay. Say you send him down. Where does he go? Where does he appear first? Does he go to Rome and see the Pope?” 

God shakes his head. “I don’t know what happened there? How did all that Pope business get started?” 

“Look God, we’ve been through all that before. Just think about this. Does he side with Rome? What about those Morons…” 

“Mormons.” God corrected him. 

“Right. Mormons in Salt Lake. Should he flop out of the sky and land there? What about The Archbishop of Canterbury in London? How would he feel- not to mention Israel, who by the way would not find your little escapade funny in the least? Then, there are the Baptists and Anglicans. Seventh Day Adventists and…” 

“Stop! You’re making my head ache! ” God stood up. “You’re right. It’s a mess. I know that. I just thought…” 

Peter stood up next to God and hung an arm around a mighty shoulder.
“Look, it’s a big mess- that’s for sure. My advice? Let it simmer. Sooner or later it’ll fade away. Why start something up all over again? The majority of those Humans get it and more and more really believe every day.” 

“That it’s an untruth? A fabrication”. God sat down again and propped both hands on mighty knees, holding a noble head in strong hands. “What did I do?” 

“Good Gracious but do you need a manicure. Look at those hands of yours!” 

God looked at his nails for a few seconds. “Ya, I’ve been meaning to make an appointment.” 

Peter continued. “We all make mistakes. It’s all part of eternity. Pull up your socks...” 

“I don’t wear socks Pete!” God laughed. 

“It’s just a figure of speech God. Look. Stay the course. Let things evolve. They have for millions of Earth years already.” 

God mumbled from between supporting hands- “Yah, how come many of them don’t get it. I mean that’s the truth to whole thing anyway. Things have been going on down there for longer than each of us can remember. Atoms and particles and stuff flew about. A planet is born. Grass grows. The rain falls and life evolves. It’s so simple.” 

“Peter smiles- “Yes. To us, it is simple.” 

God smacks Peter on the back. “Thanks for this. You always know what to say.” 

“Anytime, God.” Peter throws his arms around God and hugs hard. 

Then, bending down to pick up the umbrella, God says- “Well I got to stop by Magdalene’s Market for a nice, red steak for the Barbee tonight. If I don’t, Madeline will make sure there’s Hell to pay!” 

“Speaking of Hell…” Peter brushes a wayward hair or two from his eyes, “How’s the old coot doing?” 

“Oh he’s over doing some seminars for the Atheists on Borg 3 .” 

God beamed. “Better him than me! Thank God I didn’t have anything to do with that!”
Realizing what was just said, both of them laughed hardily.

“See ya, Pete! Say hi to the wife will ya?” 

Peter nodded. 

God turned down the street in front of the gate and headed in the direction of Magdalene’s Market.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

ROBBLOG #399



Tom and I celebrated Wednesday. 

It wasn’t a big celebration. It was small.
We didn’t say anything to anybody.
We got a couple of cards.
An e-mail or two- but that was it. 

So what was the big event?
We celebrated 27 years as husband and husband. Officially, we signed the papers and had a big Black and White wedding six years ago. We met on April 4, 1985 on a flight to Hawaii.
The rest is 27 years of love, respect and living a good life.
Who can ask for more? 

Ah, the memories though..
I remember my mother saying as I tried to convince her to come to the Black & White Affair- “Why do you always have to make a big deal out of everything?”
Dunno Mum.
It’s important to me, I guess. 

Reminds me of a similar question a “friend” of ours asked me a few months ago- “Why does everything have to be “Gay” with you? Why can’t you just be normal?”
Well Dear, for one thing I am a Gay Man.
For another, I have been a Gay Man living in a straight world for 60 years now, so cut me some slack!
That friendship is estranged. 

So yes, we did lunch with a friend.
Then, dinner later before the show.
We saw War Horse.
We were right at the front of the theatre, with the show on the Princess of Wales’ stage playing right in our lap.
It was terrific.
It was amazing.
Great “puppets”. The horses on stage aren’t real.
You didn’t know that?
They move like they’re real. They seemed to have feelings like a real horse yet they were mastered by three puppeteers.
It was amazing to watch.

It is an emotional show but it does have a happy ending- well, as happy an ending that a theatrical experience about WWI can have.
Yes, there are tragedies but great hope too!
I hoped it wouldn’t have a happy ending and I had been careful not to read or listen to anything about the show- although I did know about the puppets and a thread of the story which takes place mostly during the first World War on the battlefields of France.
On stage, I hear you say?
WWI on stage.
Yes. 

27 years! Gosh. That’s a good chunk of life- isn’t it?
Doesn’t seem that long. 

So, another long weekend. When the Easter Bunny arrives and gives chocolate eggs and new spring outfits to good girls and boys. Sure beats celebrating a gruesome act of torture that the Romans have been famous for. I’m talking about nailing people up. If you believe all that stuff then you have to pause and wonder why the “big” guy murdered his only son if he had the power to stop it.
Nothing like making your puppet pay the ultimate sacrifice. Of course sonny-boy didn’t want to go through with it and even asked his dad- Why me? It’s your future plan- not mine. I sense he wanted to stay with the boys and tramp around Judea. 

Have a great and Happy Easter weekend.
Let’s hope the weather co-operates.
Just think of all the extra exercise you’ll have to do next week to get rid of all the fat and calories from eating all that chocolate! 

Like I said- Happy Easter!

Monday, April 2, 2012

ROBBLOG #398


Those lovable Sisters Baby Jane and Blanche are at it once again down Bleeker Street Way. A lovely sign of spring is the focal point of today's story. Enjoy readers!

Jane: For *#+*#s sake Blanche, look at that pooch peeing on my tulips! ~puff, puff~

Blanche: Isn’t he cute? Whose puppy do you suppose it is Jane Dear?

Jane: Why the crap should I care? ~puff~ Damn filthy beast!
She exits
Blanche: Where are you going Jane Dear?

Jane: I’m going to get my shit-kicking boots on!

Blanche: Whatever for Sister?

Jane: I’m going to kick some sense into the owner of that filthy canine.

Blanche: I thought you didn’t know who owned the dog?

Jane: All I said was- why the crap should I care? ~puff, puff~

Blanche: Then who owns the sweet thing?

Jane: I’ll tell you who Blanche! Reverend Purgatory. That’s who.

Blanche: laughs- Jane. Dear. You mean Reverend Perry! Don’t you?

Jane: ~puff, puff~ Does it matter?

Blanche: I think it does Jane. Love one another- remember?

Jane: Once I shove these boots up his righteous butt, he’ll remember all right.

Blanche: Maybe you should just turn the other cheek Jane Dear.

Jane: Sister. If I turn the other cheek, I’ll fart right in his face.

Blanche: Oh Sister. You make me laugh sometimes! Tee Hee.Now put those boots away and sit down. You’re tea’s turning cold!

Jane: Oh Fudge! ~puff, drag, puff~. You’d take the word “fun” out of funeral!